Well its been a while. And for good reason. I have been trying to take care of myself as I have ventured into the brave world of the graveyard shift in nursing. I can't say I love the lack of sleep or the way time flies, but I can say that I absolutely love the feeling of peace that comes with night shifts. Everything is usually very quit. People pass in peace and not amidst the hustle and bustle of daytime hospital.
It was hard to adjust to the sleeping during the day part. Now I have that down. What has been bothering me as of late is trying to figure out how to sleep at night on my days/nights off. So, here I find myself writing in my real journal as well as typing on this one. It gets kinda lonely. Not only that, I thought that after school I would have the time to catch up with friends who I have lost touch with and do this and that. But alas! I find myself in some weird schedule that even my fiance has a hard time being a part of.
That being said, I'm having a really hard time figuring out who is going to be in my bridal party. I had plans originally, actually I had plans for most of my highschool and college years. But now I find myself faced with girls who have a completely different outlook on our friendship over the years. I know I haven't been the one to keep in touch or send cute little gifts to remind them that I'm still here and care but I always thought that the few friendships that I had were ones I prized myself on being able to pick up where we left off. I suppose my perception was way warped on that one. So earlier tonight I found myself wailing in frustration to my love. First it started on about the bridesmaid dilema but then it whirled out of control through a series of deep dark secrets.
A lot came out emotionally for me tonight. I thought that I was a open book but quickly realized how faulted that view was too. Have I been so closed off all of my life that no one knows me? Is that why I'm left with slim pickings for such monumental moments in my life? My head has been spinning out of control with all of these thoughts for months now. Thoughts of how my life has been dictated by my parents since I was born, then it was by college, and now a career, pretty soon it will be marriage and then it will be kids. Now I know that is a very pessamistic view on things but if you take out all the fluff and the few times I did have the upper hand, that is really all you get: a dictated life. And that is scary to me. I realized this the other night when I asked my fiance if I could go out on the town with the girls to a salsa club. He said OK at first but then quickly caught on to the fact that I would be emersing myself into another mans arms and sensually twisting and turning my feet for hours.
My point in talking about this is I can't do the things that I once could when I was single. And that scares me. I'm not saying that I don't want to get married to my man (and he knows this), but the thought of what you are giving up when you say "I do" crosses my mind every now and then which leads way to the whole dictated life thing. I know I'm crazy in the head. But I'm just being honest and trying to work these things out outside of my head. I'm finding that life is safter that way.
Did anyone else get these types of feelings during the wedding planning process?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Updates
So things started to look up for me last week on Thursday. It was two days after my interview for the position I REALLY REALLY wanted after I graduated. I was offered the job! The frustrating part was that the recruiter called, left a message saying, "congratulations you've been offered the job." and "please don't call back I'm leaving the office until Wednesday of next week." Hmmph! I'm just too excited to wait that long! So tomorrow I shall officially talk to someone about my orientation that starts on the 20th!
Family News Update:
My little 10 yo brother still runs the house, or at least me, by questioning everything I do or reprimanding me right in front of my parents about silly stuff like me asking "why did someone not answer the phone?" My 16 yo brother keeps tormenting me. I thought that back in November we had settled out our differences after he apologized for egging my new car after a little argument. I then at the beginning of his fourth school semester decided to write a note of encouragement which tagged along with his favorite box of cereal to help him get up in the morning and feel motivated to go to school. He has now started to harass every phone call I make at my house or to my house. He brought me to tears the other night as I sat at my fiance's house trying to do my taxes. I called home to get a piece of info I had left behind and this said brother decided to interrupt every few seconds of the conversation I was trying to have with my other brother. I needed to get my checking routing and account number. The 16 yo brother kept interjecting with phrases like, "shut up" "don't do it" or my favorite "shut the fuck up" and "I'll kill you."
He denied it when my parents confronted him. My parents then confronted me saying that we can't just assume that it was him because he said that he didn't do it. UGH! So then he later admitted to it, and my dad said that I'm just not being an adult about this. Well in some ways my dad is right, I am doing the only thing I can in MY power to try to ease my frustration. I don't have a cell phone of my own, or a house to retreat to other than this wretched one. And on top of all that my parents don't even run the house, the boys do. The crazy messed up young men trapped in their bad habits run this stupid house. I'm sick of it.
So that rant above really does lead to my major frustration of the day. I told my mom that I was planning on moving out. I was offered a GREAT deal by a friend who said that I could have the master bedroom for free. Thats right folks, FREE!! Expecting to hear my mom say something positive (I always choose the worst times to be optimistic) I finished up telling her about the room. She sat there and told me " I don't feel that you are ready to move out." In my head I'm thinking "are you serious! I'm 25 and need to start a life of my own already" then she interrupts my thoughts with "well you are ungrateful, and I don't see that changing for the better if you move out." See, what my mom doesn't get is that this house, THEIR HOUSE, is a place of chaos and I cannot grow from it. No one loves here. No one tries to get to know thier own family here. Its sad and its depressing me. I have insomnia because of it. I sit and cry every night because I feel so abandoned in my own house.
From the outside my family looks fine. But it isn't. We don't know one another. Everyone hates one another and this is evident by how one is treated here. And its not even the acts themselves. Its the aftermath of the acts. I ask to have my feelings recognized, a little apology now and again. But nothing. Just keep me in your prayers everyone as I have a lot of decisions to be making in the next few months.
Family News Update:
My little 10 yo brother still runs the house, or at least me, by questioning everything I do or reprimanding me right in front of my parents about silly stuff like me asking "why did someone not answer the phone?" My 16 yo brother keeps tormenting me. I thought that back in November we had settled out our differences after he apologized for egging my new car after a little argument. I then at the beginning of his fourth school semester decided to write a note of encouragement which tagged along with his favorite box of cereal to help him get up in the morning and feel motivated to go to school. He has now started to harass every phone call I make at my house or to my house. He brought me to tears the other night as I sat at my fiance's house trying to do my taxes. I called home to get a piece of info I had left behind and this said brother decided to interrupt every few seconds of the conversation I was trying to have with my other brother. I needed to get my checking routing and account number. The 16 yo brother kept interjecting with phrases like, "shut up" "don't do it" or my favorite "shut the fuck up" and "I'll kill you."
He denied it when my parents confronted him. My parents then confronted me saying that we can't just assume that it was him because he said that he didn't do it. UGH! So then he later admitted to it, and my dad said that I'm just not being an adult about this. Well in some ways my dad is right, I am doing the only thing I can in MY power to try to ease my frustration. I don't have a cell phone of my own, or a house to retreat to other than this wretched one. And on top of all that my parents don't even run the house, the boys do. The crazy messed up young men trapped in their bad habits run this stupid house. I'm sick of it.
So that rant above really does lead to my major frustration of the day. I told my mom that I was planning on moving out. I was offered a GREAT deal by a friend who said that I could have the master bedroom for free. Thats right folks, FREE!! Expecting to hear my mom say something positive (I always choose the worst times to be optimistic) I finished up telling her about the room. She sat there and told me " I don't feel that you are ready to move out." In my head I'm thinking "are you serious! I'm 25 and need to start a life of my own already" then she interrupts my thoughts with "well you are ungrateful, and I don't see that changing for the better if you move out." See, what my mom doesn't get is that this house, THEIR HOUSE, is a place of chaos and I cannot grow from it. No one loves here. No one tries to get to know thier own family here. Its sad and its depressing me. I have insomnia because of it. I sit and cry every night because I feel so abandoned in my own house.
From the outside my family looks fine. But it isn't. We don't know one another. Everyone hates one another and this is evident by how one is treated here. And its not even the acts themselves. Its the aftermath of the acts. I ask to have my feelings recognized, a little apology now and again. But nothing. Just keep me in your prayers everyone as I have a lot of decisions to be making in the next few months.
Friday, April 3, 2009
For Clarification
I just want to make sure that everyone knows. My parents are not the ones with substance abuse problems. What they do lack is (my mom mostly) the ability parent. Somehow along the way, after most of us have grown up they have lost their rhythm in parenting. I have a 10 year old brother who pretty much runs the house and makes me confine myself to my room, treats my fiancee like crap (to the point of tears), and makes me want to shoot myself (literally).
My mom really doesn't know me. And because of that I don't know her. My mom would disagree with this because she says its because I don't put the time or effort into our relationship. I think that is bull crap. Isn't it supposed to be the mom who invests in the daughter for most of raising her, and because of THAT type of relationship the daughter (me!) gets to know the mom? My mom holds on to my past indiscretions - lying a few times, experimenting maybe once or twice, going to Florida for 2 weeks (which they actually drove me to the airport), and lets see....that's it. Any time I try to ask my mom to please take care of my little brother she acts like I'm ridiculous for asking. She then proceeds to say that "he's only 10!" which in my mind gives him an excuse to keep on acting like that. And then she will bring up my past mistakes and use them as an excuse for her not to deal with any problems my brothers may have.
So apparently I paved the way for my 22 yo brothers screwed up relationships where he treats women like crap, is a HS drop out who refuses to go to college, constantly loses jobs, continues to smoke pot (but says he doesn't) and treats my mom like crap every time he decides to move back in which is every other week. Also I am responsible for my 19 yo brother who is an arrogant goodie two shoes (who really lives a double life), is the golden child and mamas boy. He is in college, my mom writes his papers for him and takes his online tests, she even answers questions for this said brothers' friends who are taking written exams via text. He is also the one who my mom will go out and buy a bottle of wine for when he wants it or let him pop open a beer. Meanwhile I'm 25 and get yelled and scrutinized for having a drink on occasion. Then there is my 16 yo brother who does any drug he can get his hand on, is repeating 9th grade for the third time and failing most of THOSE classes AGAIN, sneaks friends in the house when my parents are asleep, and doesn't give a crap about anyone in the house (at least he doesn't show it). And then there is the 10 yo, well I guess I already touched on him. Onto my parents.
My dad who works Mon-Thur 10 hour shifts for the county government corrections. That's right folks, hes in corrections and his sons are using illicit materials under his roof. Good job dad. Well maybe if when he was home he didn't hide away in his office out in the garage away from everyone - this stuff wouldn't be happening! Oh wait, yeah, my mom wears the pants in this family and has adopted some warped philosophy that no matter what is going on in each individual in the house, no one is getting kicked out. You see I think this springs from her being kicked out of her house when she was younger. But still no excuse, this is different than her alcoholic parents kicking out an Innocent kid. This is about my siblings causing psychological problems in the rest of us and she is not protecting anyone by hording her family together like this. The ones with problems are not getting the help that they deserve and I swear I'm going to get schizophrenia when I'm older because of this.
So there you have it. I little clarity on whats REALLY going on. From the outside I'm often told "it will get better" or "it seems like you are over reacting" - folks I'm not. I have holes in the dry wall all over my house, and parents who don't know what they are doing, and me trying to learn who I am in the midst of it. I feel like I'm being having my learning experiences stolen from me. Actually I look back and see that I have always been robbed of such things. Especially by the way I was raised - more on that later because that gets into religion.
My mom really doesn't know me. And because of that I don't know her. My mom would disagree with this because she says its because I don't put the time or effort into our relationship. I think that is bull crap. Isn't it supposed to be the mom who invests in the daughter for most of raising her, and because of THAT type of relationship the daughter (me!) gets to know the mom? My mom holds on to my past indiscretions - lying a few times, experimenting maybe once or twice, going to Florida for 2 weeks (which they actually drove me to the airport), and lets see....that's it. Any time I try to ask my mom to please take care of my little brother she acts like I'm ridiculous for asking. She then proceeds to say that "he's only 10!" which in my mind gives him an excuse to keep on acting like that. And then she will bring up my past mistakes and use them as an excuse for her not to deal with any problems my brothers may have.
So apparently I paved the way for my 22 yo brothers screwed up relationships where he treats women like crap, is a HS drop out who refuses to go to college, constantly loses jobs, continues to smoke pot (but says he doesn't) and treats my mom like crap every time he decides to move back in which is every other week. Also I am responsible for my 19 yo brother who is an arrogant goodie two shoes (who really lives a double life), is the golden child and mamas boy. He is in college, my mom writes his papers for him and takes his online tests, she even answers questions for this said brothers' friends who are taking written exams via text. He is also the one who my mom will go out and buy a bottle of wine for when he wants it or let him pop open a beer. Meanwhile I'm 25 and get yelled and scrutinized for having a drink on occasion. Then there is my 16 yo brother who does any drug he can get his hand on, is repeating 9th grade for the third time and failing most of THOSE classes AGAIN, sneaks friends in the house when my parents are asleep, and doesn't give a crap about anyone in the house (at least he doesn't show it). And then there is the 10 yo, well I guess I already touched on him. Onto my parents.
My dad who works Mon-Thur 10 hour shifts for the county government corrections. That's right folks, hes in corrections and his sons are using illicit materials under his roof. Good job dad. Well maybe if when he was home he didn't hide away in his office out in the garage away from everyone - this stuff wouldn't be happening! Oh wait, yeah, my mom wears the pants in this family and has adopted some warped philosophy that no matter what is going on in each individual in the house, no one is getting kicked out. You see I think this springs from her being kicked out of her house when she was younger. But still no excuse, this is different than her alcoholic parents kicking out an Innocent kid. This is about my siblings causing psychological problems in the rest of us and she is not protecting anyone by hording her family together like this. The ones with problems are not getting the help that they deserve and I swear I'm going to get schizophrenia when I'm older because of this.
So there you have it. I little clarity on whats REALLY going on. From the outside I'm often told "it will get better" or "it seems like you are over reacting" - folks I'm not. I have holes in the dry wall all over my house, and parents who don't know what they are doing, and me trying to learn who I am in the midst of it. I feel like I'm being having my learning experiences stolen from me. Actually I look back and see that I have always been robbed of such things. Especially by the way I was raised - more on that later because that gets into religion.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Maybe A More Formal Introduction?
Hello blog world!
I am a 25 year old recent RN graduate. It has been a long road to finally make it to this point of my life. I think most of my hurdles were my family. I am a sister to four younger brothers. My family is still together, although I often wonder, how?
Because of money and life issues I have remained at home this whole 25 LONG (at least it feels that way) years. The prospect of moving out is seeming to near and show its pretty face. I cannot wait to move out. There have been many things happening at my house which have been very psychologically damaging to me. I am reaching my breaking point. There is only so much drug/alcohol abuse (of under age kids), and horrible parenting one can take.
I know that deep down I love my family and that somewhere I appreciate all that they have done for me and all that I've been able to do for them. However, while living with them I am not able to see all those positives. My family doesn't know who I am, hell, I don't even know who I am! I have been smothered while at my house and unable to become and individual - all of which are necessary to continue a healthy life for oneself while discovering what the world has to offer.
Throughout this blog I hope to map out, mostly for my benefit, my trials of living with a family for this long. I hope that in the process of me hashing out my problems that others may be able to relate and contribute words of wisdom. I welcome viewpoints of others. I need all the help I can get. I feel lost. I know I can't be the only one who feels lost about such subjects, so come on out and enter in my blog discussions!
I am a 25 year old recent RN graduate. It has been a long road to finally make it to this point of my life. I think most of my hurdles were my family. I am a sister to four younger brothers. My family is still together, although I often wonder, how?
Because of money and life issues I have remained at home this whole 25 LONG (at least it feels that way) years. The prospect of moving out is seeming to near and show its pretty face. I cannot wait to move out. There have been many things happening at my house which have been very psychologically damaging to me. I am reaching my breaking point. There is only so much drug/alcohol abuse (of under age kids), and horrible parenting one can take.
I know that deep down I love my family and that somewhere I appreciate all that they have done for me and all that I've been able to do for them. However, while living with them I am not able to see all those positives. My family doesn't know who I am, hell, I don't even know who I am! I have been smothered while at my house and unable to become and individual - all of which are necessary to continue a healthy life for oneself while discovering what the world has to offer.
Throughout this blog I hope to map out, mostly for my benefit, my trials of living with a family for this long. I hope that in the process of me hashing out my problems that others may be able to relate and contribute words of wisdom. I welcome viewpoints of others. I need all the help I can get. I feel lost. I know I can't be the only one who feels lost about such subjects, so come on out and enter in my blog discussions!
Family
Just curious about other perspectives....What does family look like for you?
I ask because the family situation I have is the only one I really truly know, and I'm not that happy with mine. So, I'm not asking what you THINK family should be but what YOUR family situation is like.
I know its kinda personal but there is something satisfying about writing it online instead of talking about it face to face. I'm in the middle of writing my experience - actually I would imagine that most of this blog will be about my family experience, with the occasional recipe or art project I find amusing.
I ask because the family situation I have is the only one I really truly know, and I'm not that happy with mine. So, I'm not asking what you THINK family should be but what YOUR family situation is like.
I know its kinda personal but there is something satisfying about writing it online instead of talking about it face to face. I'm in the middle of writing my experience - actually I would imagine that most of this blog will be about my family experience, with the occasional recipe or art project I find amusing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
