Well its been a while. And for good reason. I have been trying to take care of myself as I have ventured into the brave world of the graveyard shift in nursing. I can't say I love the lack of sleep or the way time flies, but I can say that I absolutely love the feeling of peace that comes with night shifts. Everything is usually very quit. People pass in peace and not amidst the hustle and bustle of daytime hospital.
It was hard to adjust to the sleeping during the day part. Now I have that down. What has been bothering me as of late is trying to figure out how to sleep at night on my days/nights off. So, here I find myself writing in my real journal as well as typing on this one. It gets kinda lonely. Not only that, I thought that after school I would have the time to catch up with friends who I have lost touch with and do this and that. But alas! I find myself in some weird schedule that even my fiance has a hard time being a part of.
That being said, I'm having a really hard time figuring out who is going to be in my bridal party. I had plans originally, actually I had plans for most of my highschool and college years. But now I find myself faced with girls who have a completely different outlook on our friendship over the years. I know I haven't been the one to keep in touch or send cute little gifts to remind them that I'm still here and care but I always thought that the few friendships that I had were ones I prized myself on being able to pick up where we left off. I suppose my perception was way warped on that one. So earlier tonight I found myself wailing in frustration to my love. First it started on about the bridesmaid dilema but then it whirled out of control through a series of deep dark secrets.
A lot came out emotionally for me tonight. I thought that I was a open book but quickly realized how faulted that view was too. Have I been so closed off all of my life that no one knows me? Is that why I'm left with slim pickings for such monumental moments in my life? My head has been spinning out of control with all of these thoughts for months now. Thoughts of how my life has been dictated by my parents since I was born, then it was by college, and now a career, pretty soon it will be marriage and then it will be kids. Now I know that is a very pessamistic view on things but if you take out all the fluff and the few times I did have the upper hand, that is really all you get: a dictated life. And that is scary to me. I realized this the other night when I asked my fiance if I could go out on the town with the girls to a salsa club. He said OK at first but then quickly caught on to the fact that I would be emersing myself into another mans arms and sensually twisting and turning my feet for hours.
My point in talking about this is I can't do the things that I once could when I was single. And that scares me. I'm not saying that I don't want to get married to my man (and he knows this), but the thought of what you are giving up when you say "I do" crosses my mind every now and then which leads way to the whole dictated life thing. I know I'm crazy in the head. But I'm just being honest and trying to work these things out outside of my head. I'm finding that life is safter that way.
Did anyone else get these types of feelings during the wedding planning process?
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