For Clarification

I just want to make sure that everyone knows. My parents are not the ones with substance abuse problems. What they do lack is (my mom mostly) the ability parent. Somehow along the way, after most of us have grown up they have lost their rhythm in parenting. I have a 10 year old brother who pretty much runs the house and makes me confine myself to my room, treats my fiancee like crap (to the point of tears), and makes me want to shoot myself (literally).

My mom really doesn't know me. And because of that I don't know her. My mom would disagree with this because she says its because I don't put the time or effort into our relationship. I think that is bull crap. Isn't it supposed to be the mom who invests in the daughter for most of raising her, and because of THAT type of relationship the daughter (me!) gets to know the mom? My mom holds on to my past indiscretions - lying a few times, experimenting maybe once or twice, going to Florida for 2 weeks (which they actually drove me to the airport), and lets see....that's it. Any time I try to ask my mom to please take care of my little brother she acts like I'm ridiculous for asking. She then proceeds to say that "he's only 10!" which in my mind gives him an excuse to keep on acting like that. And then she will bring up my past mistakes and use them as an excuse for her not to deal with any problems my brothers may have.

So apparently I paved the way for my 22 yo brothers screwed up relationships where he treats women like crap, is a HS drop out who refuses to go to college, constantly loses jobs, continues to smoke pot (but says he doesn't) and treats my mom like crap every time he decides to move back in which is every other week. Also I am responsible for my 19 yo brother who is an arrogant goodie two shoes (who really lives a double life), is the golden child and mamas boy. He is in college, my mom writes his papers for him and takes his online tests, she even answers questions for this said brothers' friends who are taking written exams via text. He is also the one who my mom will go out and buy a bottle of wine for when he wants it or let him pop open a beer. Meanwhile I'm 25 and get yelled and scrutinized for having a drink on occasion. Then there is my 16 yo brother who does any drug he can get his hand on, is repeating 9th grade for the third time and failing most of THOSE classes AGAIN, sneaks friends in the house when my parents are asleep, and doesn't give a crap about anyone in the house (at least he doesn't show it). And then there is the 10 yo, well I guess I already touched on him. Onto my parents.

My dad who works Mon-Thur 10 hour shifts for the county government corrections. That's right folks, hes in corrections and his sons are using illicit materials under his roof. Good job dad. Well maybe if when he was home he didn't hide away in his office out in the garage away from everyone - this stuff wouldn't be happening! Oh wait, yeah, my mom wears the pants in this family and has adopted some warped philosophy that no matter what is going on in each individual in the house, no one is getting kicked out. You see I think this springs from her being kicked out of her house when she was younger. But still no excuse, this is different than her alcoholic parents kicking out an Innocent kid. This is about my siblings causing psychological problems in the rest of us and she is not protecting anyone by hording her family together like this. The ones with problems are not getting the help that they deserve and I swear I'm going to get schizophrenia when I'm older because of this.

So there you have it. I little clarity on whats REALLY going on. From the outside I'm often told "it will get better" or "it seems like you are over reacting" - folks I'm not. I have holes in the dry wall all over my house, and parents who don't know what they are doing, and me trying to learn who I am in the midst of it. I feel like I'm being having my learning experiences stolen from me. Actually I look back and see that I have always been robbed of such things. Especially by the way I was raised - more on that later because that gets into religion.